The Straight Scoop Vol. 1 No. 7
Hello folks, welcome to Gaming Nexus’ new weekly feature titled “The Straight Scoop.” Every Monday morning we’ll deliver all the news that’s fit to print on the previous week’s gaming news, with a little “randy” commentary thrown in to keep things interesting. There will be no need to read between the lines here!
Keep in mind that this is an editorial take on the news, so the author (that’s me!) will definitely make his opinions known and will try to put more of a gamer’s perspective on the news as opposed to the usual PR Department-driven copy that you usually find on the ‘Net and in print. We hope you enjoy the Scoop, and welcome your feedback as well as your financial contributions. Not necessarily in that order…
As always, if I decide a story is not interesting enough I completely reserve the right to make stuff up.... If you’ve got any “dirt” you want to share with me, or just want to give me a hard time, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Lay down all thoughts… surrender to the void…
Monday, October 14
Nintendo announced today that they have released the Super Mario Sunshine Bundle Pak in the U.S. This “pak” includes a Gamecube, one controller, one Memory Card 59, and a copy of the excellent first-party title Super Mario Sunshine. A drunk that lives near my house also let me in on a rumor that Microsoft would soon be offering the “X-Box A-List Games Bundle Pak,” which will consist of the X-Box console, one controller, and – ironically – a copy of Super Mario Sunshine. We kid because we love.
Microsoft announced that it’s upcoming “mech-ariffic” title Mechwarriors 4: Mercenaries has gone gold and will be available in stores on November 8. I’ve personally had the opportunity to play around with the marketing beta, and definitely feel that Microsoft has a quality title on their hands. Mercenaries is sort of a hybrid between Mechwarrior 4 and Wing Commander: Privateer that is sure to please fans of either game.
Tuesday, October 15
Electronic Arts today mentioned that it’s signed big-name Hollywood actor Gary Oldman to do some of the voiceover work for its upcoming Medal of Honor Allied Assault: Spearhead. The Sid & Nancy star will provide narration for some of the game’s historical video segments, as well as make lunch runs to Taco Bell for the development staff. When Gaming Nexus pretended to ask Mr. Oldman why he decided to take the job, the actor replied, “I'll wait for a confirmation that General Radic has been released; until then I will execute a hostage every half an hour..." Needless to say, we ran screaming.
If you read this column on a weekly basis, you’ll quickly come to the correct conclusion that I absolutely love any anime-inspired RPG’s that feature androgynous lead characters with spiky hair. So you just know that I had to double up on my Depends order when Sony Computer Entertainment of America announced the release of Wild Arms 3 for the PS2, a title that is sure to be knee deep in the type of middle-school melodrama that we console RPG fans love. Wild Arms 3 is set in an “old-west” type environment, and features an “enhanced” battle system. By the way, “enhanced battle system” is often marketing-speak for “same old battle system with new fonts.”
Wednesday, October 16
Atari (now new and improved with lemon-fresh French owners) announced the release of Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee for the Nintendo Gamecube. The title features tons of licensed monsters such as Mothra, Megalon, Destoroyah, Rosie O’Donnell-alon, and of course Godzilla himself. When asked for comment, Atari’s Head of Janitorial Services replied, “You dishonor our clan with your evil Straight Scoop!” What was disturbing is that his lip movement didn’t quite sync up correctly with the words coming out of his mouth…
EA Sports shipped NASCAR 2003… oh-oh, hold on… here comes my boss. I have to ALT-Tab back into Excel for a minute…
OK – sorry about that. Where was I…
Oh yeah! EA Sports today shipped NASCAR 2003 Thunder for the PC, a title that is sure to appeal to the racing fan as well as the casual gamer. Keeping with its “if it’s in the game, it’s in the game” slogan, NASCAR 2003 features mini-games which include beating up other drivers, dodging flying car parts, and seeing how many times you can mention you car’s sponsor during post-race interviews. The much anticipated “Beat that little pansy Jeff Gordon to within an inch of his life” mini-game wasn’t included due to a last minute discovery that I made the whole thing up. Maybe next year!
Thursday, October 17
World’s Greatest Coasters – the new PC title from multinational oppressive postmodern conglomerate GlobalStar Software – has gone gold, and should appear in Walmarts near you in early November. While my hopes are high for this title, I hope they decide to include upscale wooden drink coasters, as well as the cardboard “classic pub-style” beer coasters. Any “coaster sim” worth its salt should also keep in mind that fans of the genre have come to expect oddly-shaped corporate-branded coffee mug coasters, in addition to custom crocheted “cozy coasters.” And if I see one more title ship without support for player-created mods and drink holders, I’ll stop supporting the industry! It’s a travesty!!!
Oh… the games about roller coasters? Never mind…
Prick up your “Spock ears,” Trekkies! Activision has released the Star Trek Action Pack, which will retail for $30 and includes Star Trek: Elite Force and its expansion, Star Trek: Armada, and Star Trek: Armada II. This comes as a bit of a surprise as Activision was originally rumored (by the aliens that live in my basement) to be releasing a compilation called the Star Trek: Good Games Collection. However, when it was realized that this would only include Elite Force, plans were changed.
BAM! Entertainment announced that a game based on the Reign of Fire movie license would be shipping for [yawn…] XBox and Gamecube. The game will feature [stretch…] some dragons… and some good guys… [yawn… stretch…] and probably some other stuff… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [drool…]
Friday, October 18
Microsoft released its X-Box only basketball title NBA Inside Drive 2003 just in time for the holidays. The game contains a Career Mode, a Create-a-Player feature, and a “go to a dance club, get drunk on Cristal and high on X, sexually assault a girl, get stopped by the cops and resist arrest, hold a press conference whining about how you’re held up to unfair standards, and hire Johnny Cochran and be acquitted” mode.
Finally, Acclaim today defended its upcoming adults-only title BMX XXX – a title that will quell the French Revolution-esque clamoring for a naked dirt-bike game featuring video clips from hot strippers (well, OK maybe only the Gaming Nexus staff was clamoring…). I can’t imagine anyone complaining about this, but apparently K-Mart and Walmart have refused to stock the game due to it containing breasts. Apparently, selling guns and Sopranos box sets are OK, though.
Acclaim’s PR rep probably said something real professional about market research or the “unfair characterization of the interactive entertainment industry,” but we at Gaming Nexus think he should have set himself on fire in protest. That’s what we would do!!
That’s all for this week, check back next Monday morning for the next edition! Same Game Time… Same Game Channel!
* The product in this article was sent to us by the developer/company.